Monday, April 28, 2008

So, it's been a few days...

Well, it's been an interesting few weeks. As you know, Aimee and I have been trying to have a baby for a REALLY long time. In fact, we've pretty much been trying continuously for our entire marriage (6 years this month). Well, we went to a fertility doctor to try and figure out whether or not something medical was preventing it from happening or if it was just incredibly bad luck.

Let me preface this by saying that Aimee and both have the utmost faith that God will give us a baby if He wants us to have one. We have known since we were dating, really, that we would foster/adopt many children through the course of our marriage. I have known since I was a young boy that there was a chance that I would have trouble in this area because I had a surgery that 'could' affect my abilities. When we began foster care they flagged this as a serious issue because we hadn't 'dealt' with the reality that we weren't going to have children. A bit of an overreaction in my book since neither one of us knew for certain that we couldn't. In fact, the reality of the situation is that if they told both of us that we were completely sterile we would still believe that God could give us a baby if He wanted us to have one. In fact, I have known people who were 'sterile' that have had multiple children. Regardless, we feel like it's time to find out if there is something we need to get fixed for it to happen.

So we started going through some serious testing to find out how 'normal' we are. If you don't believe that it's time for some universal health care in this country, try going to the doctor for a procedure that isn't covered by your insurance. I have a good job and make a shit-ton of money. We own two houses, have investment and retirement accounts, and have (almost) impeccable credit. The doctor wouldn't let us leave the office without paying, cash, $500 for the first round of testing. Makes you feel great knowing that you might have a serious medical condition but because your insurance company miscommunicated with the doctor's office you are treated like a criminal-to-be. It's pretty terrifying to watch your savings go from a respectable state of robust-ness to nothing over the period of 1 month as the doctor orders test after test after test after test.

So the end result is that Aimee is basically fine (I'll let her comment on what she found out on her own) and I have some serious issues. It was heart breaking and terrifying. If you're a doctor and you're reading this, take some advice from me. You should never follow a traumatic statement of a man's inability to produce sperm with, "We also need to check this out and find out if it's a cyst or cancer or a disease causing a hormone imbalance." I understand that cancer might not be the menace it once was from a doctor's point of view...but regular people like me still hear it and assume it means you're going to die. I know it's not rational, but you should be careful just the same. Maybe throw in a few sentences like, "There is probably nothing wrong with you" or "My aren't you a fine husband" between "bad sperm" and "cancer".

On that note, it's interesting being in a fertility clinic. The entire staff there was female (part of the reason Aimee chose it, I think) and you kind of get the feel that everyone is a bit hopeful, supportive, and caring. Other than the bad choice of words in her office, the main doctor at the place is a very sweet woman. The nurses are very nice. The billing lady not so much, but that's her job I suppose. They wanted me to go into a waiting room and wait for Aimee to get some follow up work done. I was alone and started to cry. I was trying REALLY hard to hide it but the doctor came in and saw me and gave me a hug. It was a little strange but it was comforting. I then had to go and give blood (Yay! My favorite thing in the world!) and sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks the whole time. I really hope that she thought I was scared of needles.

Then it was time to go talk to the billing lady about our 'options'. This basically amounted to them telling us how we could have a baby if we were rich. She told me the price, I said it might as well be a million dollars, she said that's too bad and handed me a brochure for a bank that loaned money to people so they could have a baby. They are also nice enough to charge 10% interest. I'm not going to imply that I think that's shady in the least but it seems like they should be a little more reserved about the 'buy a pregnancy' thing. Maybe wait a week or something and approach people when they're not falling off of an emotional cliff face.

Anyways, the point of this blog (can I tell you how nice it is to write something not for school and not care about my use of the passive voice or sounding like I know what I'm talking about?) was to let you all know that I have several appointments in the near future to determine whether or not there is something wrong with me. Tonight, I have the ultrasound to see if there are any lumps or masses or whatever doctor-types call them. Then I have to go give more blood later this week. Then I have to go to a urologist and let them do 'whatever' to me.

I'm terrified. I know I shouldn't be, most likely it's just the surgery I had when I was young. I do know 3 people my age or YOUNGER that have had testicular cancer, which seems statistically unlikely. I don't know what the numbers are but it seems like they should be a lot lower than that. Also, my best friend just got hit by a tennis ball in the 'tennis balls' (if you know what I mean) and seems to be having some serious problems in that area. I don't think that has anything to do with this, but I sort of wanted to know if he was reading or not.

The plus side is that I have been incredibly distracted the past three or four weeks from my school work and I am way behind. Frankly, I'm having a hard time caring whether or not I pass or if I even continue. I'm sure everyone feels that way now and again and I'll admit I'm dealing with just a little bit of depression right now. I already had to request and incomplete from one class because I just can't handle the load and I'm going to just shoot for not failing the other two. I'll write more in the future on school, ministry, and the future of the Wickershams because I realize that this is really long already.

See ya.


The Wickershams! said...

I love you. Baby or no baby.

Emily said...

i love you too!

not in that way... :)

i have been praying for you guys. life has given you a pretty crappy break (to put it extremely mildly). i just hope you know that people love you very much and you guys are not in it alone.

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