Wednesday, September 24, 2008

So here I sit

Well, I haven't blogged in a while. I guess I start every post that way nowadays. I have been struggling lately. That isn't surprising, I guess, since school just started back up. Strangely though, I have been really kicking that part of my life. I've done all my reading and am already working on one of my final papers. It's the other stuff. Stuff around the house isn't getting done. I've got projects on hole everywhere I look. Rooms are a mess again, I don't understand how that happens. I think part of why school is going well is because we have a study room again. I know that sounds lame but part of my big need in life is to have specific spaces for things. My personality (disorder if you listen to the psych) is such that I go 100mph at something while it holds my attention but I get bored easily and leave it, often unfinished. I usually finish, eventually, but it surely takes longer than if I just put my head down and finished it. I think this is sort of why I can do so many things half-assed but nothing really really well. Some people are impressed that I can do 'anything' (not even close) but it just disappoints me there isn't 'something' I can REALLY do. Sing like my sister or play drums like Justin or just any number of things that 'define' other people. I wish there was something that 'defined' me other than the width and breadth of my mediocrity. Problem is, I just don't know if there is anything in the world that can hold my attention long enough for me to really excel at it. I'm hoping it's being a dad. I hope I am able to be the kind of dad that I had myself. It's probably my one great fear in life, that I'll let my kids down. For some reason, I'm also more nervous knowing that we're having at least one boy.

Well, that took a different turn than I expected it to. I guess when you blog infrequently you are subject to word vomit. I'll close now by saying that I hope I start feeling like I'm not just hanging on to life soon. There are so many things I wonder, but one of them is 'why do I always feel like I'm failing?' I would sure love to feel like I'm ahead of the curve for a while, just to see what it's like.
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Karen said...

You are way ahead of the curve and your dad is very proud of you. Love dad

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